Questions as Listening? Show Your Interested!

While questions require talking, you can use them to show how intently you are listening and have the speaker feel heard and supported.

If you haven't incorporated the devaliving-training articles Interpersonal, Listening Part 1, Body Language Part 2, and Response Part 3 into your interpersonal development yet, please do so first. Each part builds onto the next to be fully effective.

Ready?
Now you get the chance to speak! Finally!
Questions are a great tool to show interest, find out more about a person, topic or situation, have people feel respected, show you are listening, and create opportunities for yourself and others.The miracle skill!

To prove this point: Think about a time when you had a disappointing (okay, horrible) experience with a sales person.Odds are that the salesperson did one or more of the following:
-talked you ear off
-did not pay attention to the information you gave
-made up facts about you that weren't true
-was completely indifferent with you
-was distracted
-never asked you the important questions they needed to get the information to help you make a smart decision.

Now, How about a great experience? Have you had one? - if so, the salesperson is probably a friend and comes over for holiday dinners - a little exaggerated but you get the idea-When a salesperson expresses interest in you, asks about you and your needs and listens carefully - You feel respected and are more open to suggestions and advice.

You can use this same active listening skill to have fulfilling, meaningful conversations and develop more successful connections and opportunities in your life.

There are two types of questions you are going to use: Closed and Open

Closed: these can be answered with a "yes", a "no" or a very short answer (e.g. I live here). These start with do, is, are, can, would, will . . .There is an old game called 20 questions - you may be familiar with it - the objective was to guess what the "person, place or thing" was by answering only yes or no. Obviously a time killer for those long road trips.

Closed questions have their place in a conversation; often to get it started, warming the person up and build a rapport before jumping in to the main point or to wrap it up. Also to check that you have understood the speaker (e.g. "so what you're saying is . . . yes?" or "it sounds like . . .is that right?"

The concern is that closed questions are used too frequently and that can hinder your conversation.
You don't want to get into a game or sound like a detective so you stop asking questions and come away with limited information and limited rapport and bonding. The closed style are easier and therefore asked more often, so . . .

Your training will focus primarily on the skill of open-ended questions:
The open style can be answered only by giving information (even if that information is an explanation of why you aren't getting any information!).Start with - what, how, why, when, where, tell me more about . ..Sounds simple? Go back to your recorded conversation from the Interpersonal practice and listen to what you asked. Your open to closed ratio should be about 75% open to 25% closed. How did you do?
(See, that is an open questions, using "did you do well" would have prompted just a "yes" or "no".)

Here is another example: Are you a student? Do you work full-time? Do you work part-time? Do you have hobbies? versus What do you do with your time? Notice how limiting and how much more time the closed questions take! Get the idea?

The open style also fosters rapport by showing you interest in the person - tell me more!What happened then . . .? How did you feel . . .? When are you . . .? What else . . .? Tell me about . . .? What do you . . .? How are you going to . . .? Why is that important to you? What can I . . .? So, How . . .? Why do you . . .? What is it about that ..? What now . . .? How about now. . .?

Get people talking to you, show you are listening and the conversation goes deeper - and that makes it interesting! Discover new possibilities, different perspectives; widen your view point and your world all the while helping others feel respected, important and open to your input.

NOTE: Part 3 "fixers" - questions - Open questions are your tool to help without "fixing" - Remember though, just a few of them and spread them out :)

OPEN STYLE TIPS: - when talking about "getting" information in these articles, this includes data, thoughts, feelings, philosophies, etc.- Be curious! Be interested - who, what, when, where, why, say more please!- Have an honest desire to know or the person will see right through you- like a salesperson who asks but doesn't listen.- Don't jump in right away after the speaker gives information!

Would you like additional support and guidance for your practices? You can receive feedback and customized tips to improve your skills! See services, or connect with devaliving-training.

PRACTICE 1: You need a willing partner for these -

1. Have a conversation and just ask closed questions - How far do you get? Write down everything you found out. .
2. Now, use only open questions - don't forget: Listen - Think - Ask yourself - Ask them - Listen. To slow this down, write down each response given by the other person so you give yourself time to think and be curious.

PRACTICE 2:
Record a conversation -
Listen for how many closed and how many open questions you used. Also listen for any missed opportunities to ask deeper and get more information. Were you being curious?

PRACTICE 3:
Have a "pretend" conversation - write out all the questions you can think of on the topic and then all the follow up based on possible answers to the first set of questions - keep going!

CONGRATULATIONS! With devaliving-training on Active Listening Part 1-4 you are on your way to be an expert listener!

Now, What happens when you are the speaker? See Conscious Expression - Communicating

Other related topics:
Active Listening Part 1: Listening - This is the first step of developing your interpersonal skills.

Active Listening Part 2: Body Language - Your second step to becoming an effective communicator!

Active Listening Part 3: Responding - Show that you are listening appropriately for that person.

Interpersonal communication - Understand the importance of how you communicate can mean the success or failure of your relationships.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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