Why is Your Response Critical? Active Listening Part 3

What is your natural response to listening to a conversation? In your previous active listening practices, you have been examining your habits and have gathered some interesting information so far. Again if you have not done the devaliving-training interpersonal practices please do so now.

How did you act during your conversations?
Were you waiting to respond? Did you respond quickly when given the chance? Did you come up with answers to "solve" their problem? -

This concept may be familiar to you - "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Grey was one of the first books to deal with this subject in detail. However, gender lines don't always apply so you are going to look at the response of the fixer and the understander in interpersonal relationships when listening.

Some people are fixers and some are understanders - both can be helpful and appreciated by listeners until a person wants the one you aren't being -

Have you ever heard this?
"Stop trying to fix everything, I just need you to listen!"
If you are a fixer and your speaker needs an understander, your response could make matters worse!
The speaker may feel like you don't think they can take care of themselves, that they are stupid or incompetent or helpless. Which, of course, is not what you were trying to do - you just wanted to help resolve the issue.And the speaker just wanted to vent and have you listen and understand.

How about this?
"Why don't you say anything? Don't just sit there, tell me what I should do!"Obviously this is the reverse situation . . .

The speaker needs your help and they feel that your lack of response is not responding so therefore you aren't paying attention, and you don't care. You were just letting them vent and trying to be supportive by letting them talk. And the speaker wanted advice, they are stuck and looking for your guidance.

Would you like additional support and guidance for your practices? You can receive feedback and improve your skills! See services, or connect with devaliving-training.

Now What?
A response that is a combination of the two ways of responding is the best of both worlds, but that may be a little tricky to pull off at first. Check out the following devaliving-training active listening practices for responding and see what you can add into your interpersonal relationship style skill set.

PRACTICE:
You want more fixer and less understander:
You are not used to telling someone what to do and frankly, you don't want that responsibility!
Try using questions (see below) to coach the speaker into coming up with possible solutions.
Also, use statements like -

• "That's a tough one."
• "I don't know what I would do . . .(in your place, if I were you, in that situation)"
• "That's crazy/awful/huge/ amazing/ awesome(or latest slang if for personal use)/ great opportunity to . ."

You want more understander and less fixer:
First and foremost - Bite your tongue!
The answer may be obvious to you, and, guess what, it may be obvious to the speaker too! They just need to get everything off their chest before moving into action.
So - wait to be asked for help . . . you may be subtly asked or it may be hinted at, so make sure you are listening!
In the mean time, use passive cues to show you are listening -

• "Hmmm", "yes", "no", "wow", "really",
• "How (insert word) for you",
• "that's (great, horrible, etc.)"

SUMMARY OF PART 1-3 PRACTICES:
Part 1: Start consciously deciding your rating system for listening. See how it changes your attention span.

Part 2: Incorporate new body language and be aware of the affect - note changes in your listening and changes in how the speaker reacts.

Part 3: Fixers and understanders responses can be compatible - add in a few of the suggestions to become more flexible in your style. Be the renaissance active listener!

These are all interpersonal skills that you need to practice for them to become second nature - see mind body for tips on creating habits.
NEXT STEP:
Part 4: Response as Questions - Now that you are improving your listening skills, see how asking questions are really another listening skill!

Other related topics:
Active Listening Part 1: Listening - Continue to refresh and review this section as you create your new habit.

Active Listening Part 2: Body Language - Whether you are in person (webcam counts!) or communicating by phone, pay attention to your body language.

Conscious Expression (Part 5) - This is the final step, after your next step of part 4 - Questions.

Interpersonal communicating - Emphasizing the importance of effective communication and how it affects your relationships.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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